Moncton — A gender reveal party held in the Hub City this weekend disclosed more than just the sex of a baby: it also revealed itself to be a massive waste of precious time and money.
“We just wanted to have 200 of our closest friends over to break the news they’ve all been waiting for — are we having a boy, or a girl?!” enthused pregnant woman Jen Drake. “We registered at lots of different stores so our friends would have the freedom to choose unique gifts for this unique occasion.”
“She called it ‘unique’?!” questioned best friend Hannah Boudreau. “She got the idea from a million other women pulling the same crap on Pinterest. There’s nothing unique about it.
“I already bought them presents for the baby shower, and my husband wasted a Saturday at the diaper party. Not to mention they just got married a few months ago. I had to organize and pay for the bachelorette party, and I had to buy my own ugly-ass bridesmaid dress, and host the wedding shower, and the destination wedding week was so exhausting. How many more days of my dwindling time on this planet do I have to devote to this couple and their undying love?
“I care about them but seriously, when will it be enough?”
Jen’s husband Marc said he’d never heard of a gender reveal party, but figured if it could save him some money, then it might be worthwhile.
“Turns out, babies are expensive,” said the soon-to-be father. “But if you have enough acquaintances to guilt into coming to your redundant events, you can almost avoid buying anything at all. I actually think I’ve made money by knocking Jen up.”
At Saturday’s party, guests were invited to drop their gifts and hard-earned cash on a designated table outside the venue, then enter the lavishly decorated room, which was filled with baby-blue balloons, blue streamers, blue tablecloths, blue centrepieces, and a gigantic blue cake covered in thousands of tiny blue beads. A live Thin Lizzy cover band played “The Boys Are Back In Town” as guests mingled and played extremely awkward ice-breaker games.
“So the second I walked in the room, knew it was a boy,” said Jen’s friend Shayla. “Does that mean I get to go home now and spend the rest of the day doing what I want? I’m only staying until Jen sees me so I can at least say I was here.”
“I hope the baby enjoys his beige onesie,” said Marc’s brother Bill. “Well worth the twenty-five bucks. It should go nicely with the yellow bib and socks we got him for the baby shower. I hope it’s not revealed down the road that the kid hates gender-neutral colours, because I already lost the receipts.”
“Can someone please explain to me the difference between a gender reveal party and a baby shower?” demanded Jen’s mother, Barb. “How many more cupcakes am I going to have to ice for this kid?! I’m getting carpal tunnel syndrome! I love Jen and Marc and I’m happy for them, but this is just too much.”
We spoke with the happy pregnant couple, who said because of the success of this event, they’re planning many more reveal parties in the future.
“Maybe a ‘language reveal’ event when we decide whether our son will speak primarily French, or English — you know, since we’re bilingual,” said Jen. “Or maybe a ‘team reveal’ — who knows what sport he’ll like, let alone which team he’ll be a fan of? That could actually be broken into two separate parties, now that I think of it.”
I hope these people are joking about other “reveal” parties. No one gives a crap what sports your kid is in. I hope for the sake of these people’s friends (if they have any left at this point) the language reveal is French so they can say have an out by saying. “I’m sorry. I got the invite, but I don’t speak French so I couldn’t respond.”
This is the epitome of narcism. Attention for mom and money for dad apparently for impregnating his wife. Ugh, this couple speaks French so please move to France for your family and friends’ sake.