Guy who’s opposed to masks is fine with goatees

New Brunswick — A New Brunswick man who’s vehemently against wearing face masks is apparently totally cool with his out-of-date facial hair, according to sources.

“I’m not wearing that stupid thing over my face!” cried Jeff Norton, who’s had a goatee — arguably the least attractive facial hair arrangement in existence — since Grade 11. “It’s so uncomfortable around the ears!” he exclaimed, despite having visible indents on the sides of his head where his sport Oakleys have perched for more than three decades.

Norton, who didn’t graduate high school, says he’s read up on coronavirus, and the science just isn’t there to back the government’s claims about how to slow the spread.

“Wake up sheeple!” he yelled at our reporter. “First they try to force you to wear a dumb-looking thing on your face, next thing you know Bill Gates himself is injecting you with 5G and sending you in a Wayfair cabinet straight to the set of the Ellen DeGeneres show! We need to stand up for the truth and the REAL science about COVID-19 before it’s too late! Who’s with me?!”

Norton’s remaining friends and acquaintances say that, for someone who spends most of his time in his basement arguing with strangers on the internet about conspiracy theories, he is still quite vain about his appearance.

“He thinks he looks amazing, contrary to what I or anyone else have told him. If anything a mask would make him look better. That goatee is rough, man,” said Sherry Simpson, an ex-girlfriend. “I tried to make him shave it back when we were dating, or at least grow it into a real beard, but he said I was controlling him. Well now he thinks the government is trying to control him. You can’t win with that guy.”

“I have a conspiracy theory of my own,” added Andrew Ogilvie, Norton’s next-door neighbour. “Guys who wear those sport sunglasses, have goatees, and take those frowning selfies from a low angle are most likely to be ignorant and crazy — change my mind!”