New Brunswick — The provincial election is coming right up, and polling and surveys indicate that a massive number of New Brunswickers are pretending that this election will somehow be different.
“I have faith in the people of this great province — it’s time for a major change-up, and that’s what we’re going to see this September 24th,” said delusional Frederictonian Tim McMaster. “People just aren’t happy with the status quo these days. Does this New Brunswicker see an NDP or Green leader in the premier’s office? Totally!”
McMaster and others like him have taken to social media to air their baseless hopes for political change, despite a long history of red, blue, red, blue.
“In reality, though, we’re choosing between an evil senior citizen and an ineffectual airhead,” said political scientist Tim Blakeney. “But New Brunswickers are acting like all these other candidates stand a snowball’s chance in hell of becoming premier. It’s kind of adorable, if you think about it.”
Even these other candidates are being swept up in the dream of toppling the existing power structure and changing the way things are run in New Brunswick.
“This is the year we get into office and finally get rid of those damned front licence plates. I can feel it,” said People’s Alliance Party Leader Kris Austin. “If there’s one thing I hate in this world, it’s front licence plates. It really makes a car look ugly. I will do anything to get rid of them, even run to take on the most hated and criticized role in the province.”
According to Stats Canada, annoying Millennials are the most likely to lie to themselves and others about the possibility for political change.
“You’ll see a group of 20-something NDP volunteers out pounding the pavement with their little signs about raising the minimum wage, and making other positive changes, and you almost feel bad for them,” said statistician Patty Morris. “The data is unclear on whether it’s all for show or if these kids really believe in the struggling party’s tenets, but either way, it’s pretty clear that it’ll all be for naught after the province elects either Brian Gallant or Blaine Higgs.
“I mean, it’s all here in black and white,” she said, holding a printout of the stats in a duotone graph. “Or I guess I should say red and blue…”