New Brunswick — Sunday evening, the CBC radio program Shift N.B. aired a segment on animal road collisions that explored both preventative measures and proper response procedures.
As helpful and as interesting as this program was, we at The Manatee felt that it didn’t go quite far enough. This is why we now present to you our very own supplemental guide on optimizing your vehicular slaughter of an innocent animal. We hope you enjoy.
How to properly strike wildlife with your vehicle.
We should, legally speaking, start this guide by stating that you should avoid hitting an animal with your car if at all possible. But, if you absolutely have to, here is how you should do it:
The first thing you should do is forget about safety. It’s not an issue here. Your two tonnes of pure metal and steel speeding down the highway at 120 kilometres vs. the squishy flesh of a forest creature? Give me a break.
The second step is to speed up. Get it over with. No sense prolonging the inevitable. Be sure to swerve your car to aim for the head — you’ll want a clean kill. Plus, if you hit it fast enough, maybe it’ll explode or something. That’d be pretty cool.
Lastly, after the collision, immediately exit your vehicle and take a selfie. Line up the shot to include the entire grisly affair. Be sure you’re wearing a sad and confused look on your face. That’s how humans are supposed to feel in this situation, we’re told. Post it to Facebook for a guaranteed 40 “wow” emoji reactions.
That’s how you best manage the actual event itself. After all that, however, you’ll probably be wondering: just what the hell kind of animal was that, anyway?
How to identify the animal.
Category (1)
Animals that we would place in the first category are the smaller creatures: rodents, frogs, rabbits, small dogs. They are identifiable by their short stature and concomitant cuteness. These are what are commonly known as “not-a-big-deal” kills. Unless, of course, your mother finds a whole lot of them hanging on branches in your back yard with their eyes cut out. Like, I’m just curious, Mom, let me navigate my own emotional growth.
Category (2)
i) If the deceased animal is big, brown, and possesses a round, bulbous nose, then you’ve probably hit a moose. First of all, congratulations! This is a claim very few New Brunswickers can make without the requisite licence.
Secondly, if you notice a grey squirrel wearing a pilot’s cap mourning the corpse, we recommend dropping a heavy rock on it while it isn’t looking. Afterwards, pat yourself on the back! You have not only put a helpless creature out of its misery, but you have done a tremendous service for Fearless Leader by killing moose and squirrel.
ii) If the victim is beige, antlered and somewhat majestic looking, then it’s probably a deer. Or maybe it’s an alien in a deer suit. Huh? Wouldn’t that be crazy? Admittedly, it’s fairly unlikely. Still, though. That’d be pretty nuts.
Category (3):
If the creature is mostly hairless, with opposable thumbs and a Charlie Brown tattoo, then there’s a pretty good chance you’ve just killed a person. Don’t panic. This type of thing happens all the time. Just take a deep breath, and calmly follow the advice outlined in the following section.
What to do with the remains.
First, you must determine what it is that you hope to do with the body. Typically speaking, there are three things that a person will want to do with their roadkill: Eat it, mount it, or fuck it. Three options, which, henceforth, we will refer to as Options A, B, and C, respectively.
For Category (1) animals, Option A is your best bet. If there’s one thing that can be said for these pesky vermin, it’s that they are very easily kabob-able. Option B isn’t so bad either, really. Creative types with a propensity for electrical wiring can cheaply craft one of those animatronic singing animal props that were all the rage back in the early aughts. What mother wouldn’t want to receive the gift of a dead raccoon singing the 1999 Len hit “Steal My Sunshine?” For this category, the only Option we would not recommend is C. It simply isn’t worth it. A wool sock with some googly eyes slapped on it can provide an equally satisfying alternative.
You can’t really go wrong with any Option in Category (2). Deer and moose meat is excellent — and it comes pre-tenderized, thanks to their particular method of demise. Option B is also a fine one. Fool your friends into thinking you’re a real sharp-shooter. We have no serious moral or practical objections to Option C here, either. After all, we’ve all had worse in college, amiright?
When talking about Category (3), Option A isn’t a bad way to go. A pretty good disposal method, really. Conversely, we could not, in good conscience, endorse Option B in this case. We’re not saying that it is without precedent, we just think you can probably find more attractive selections at your local Ikea. Finally, while Option C is illegal in 11 of Canada’s provinces and territories (Nunavut excluded), what’s an extra 10 years on a life sentence?
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We hope that you have found this short guide helpful. If not, please don’t report us to the police.