Fredericton — The 2018 spring flood has fast taken over the majority of water-cooler, dinner table and pillow talk for most residents of the province, with everyone being affected in one way or another.
While some have seen massive damage occur to their property, other more fortunate residents have merely had to deal with long stretches of backed-up traffic and frustrating detours.
“Is it going to be as bad as ’08?” some have asked.
“I heard it was going to be worse than ’73!” others have replied.
Unfortunately, this flood is going to be much, much worse, but for a terrifying and different reason altogether.
SHARKS!
Yes, you read correctly. Sharks. Scary, terrifying, hungry sharks could be swimming through the streets of Maugerville right this very moment.
“Well no, of course I’m not denying that bull sharks can live in fresh water,” Fredericton resident and shark expert Dr. Carl Schneider told The Manatee, which all but proves that there are definitely sharks already in the capital area.
“Yes, I can also confirm that the flood is made up of fresh water,” he continued, adding more credence to the shark theory.
Bull sharks, a particularly aggressive breed of shark, are widely known to inhabit both freshwater and saltwater areas around the world. While they primarily occupy warmer southerly waters, they have in the past been observed swimming up the Mississippi River in the United States, which should alarm Fredericton residents because there’s also a river bisecting our city: the St. John River. And, as confirmed by Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin, “Rivers always reach the sea.”
“OK, these questions are ridiculous. I want to go on record as saying that there is almost a zero per cent chance of a shark attack in downtown Fredericton!” Dr. Schneider continued, now clearly lying to try to avoid causing a panic among the masses.
Almost zero. Almost. In a world dominated by fake news, it is only the facts that we can now trust.
Fact: Bull sharks can survive in fresh water.
Fact: Fredericton is now flooded by fresh water.
Do the math people, and stay safe.