Saint John — Black Friday, a day normally reserved for some of the biggest discounts of the year, is being mistaken by one ignorant old man in Saint John as a day to celebrate the black community of New Brunswick.
“Don’t they already have enough?” he rudely asked our reporter. “And now, they have to come and take a Friday from us, and so close to Christmas?”
Darrell White, 86, says all he’s heard about the past week are the upcoming Black Friday sales.“It’s been on every commercial,” complained White. “Whether I’m watching news or Maury, every time they take a break there’s another commercial about Black Friday — I just want to watch my stories in peace.”
White told The Manatee that he has no plans to partake in any Black Friday events, even if they are “selling things as cheap as my first wife,” as he tactfully put it. White said that even though he won’t be celebrating, he won’t go so far as protesting, either.
“I’m a littler smarter than that,” he chirped. “That’s probably just what they want, to get me out into K-Mart or something so they can rape and pillage me — I know how this stuff works.”
The Manatee tried to get reactions from friends of White, but found that he has none to speak of; his neighbour, however, did mention that White is “an old crab who has his head up his butt.”
“Last time I had a friend was in ’82,” recalled White. “And I sent that hippie packin’.”
White flat-out refused to listen to any explanation of the meaning of Black Friday, and insisted that he “wouldn’t succumb to any hippie-loving propaganda funded by the Jews.”
“There’s Pride day with all the rainbows and such, Black Day, Saint Patrick’s Day for the Irish, trans whatcha-callit day, and even Mother’s Day. How about a day for angry old guys who like things the way they used to be?”
White summed up his argument. “We’ve already given them so much: schools, buses, jobs, history month — there’s four Fridays right there and they ain’t getting no more from me.”
Don’t get me started on the implied revenge of the ‘January White Sale’