Dartmouth — A developing scandal is plaguing the community of Shubenacadie in Nova Scotia’s Hants County.
The small town, with a population just north of 2,000 people — and at least one groundhog — has been under fire since an internal investigation proved that Subenacadie Sam, their chief meteorologist and the town’s most famous resident, has been hiding behind a forged meteorology degree, allegedly from the University of Dalhousie, for years.
The internal probe revealed that not only was Sam’s diploma a forgery, but that there is no record of his ever attending the university at all.
“As far as we can tell, he didn’t even graduate from high school,” said lead investigator Emily Duchamp.
Allegedly, the groundhog had gone to great lengths to cover up his shortcomings, and has since refused all interviews on the grounds that “he’s a groundhog and cannot speak English.” At this time no translators have been hired to further the interview process.
As yet another nor’easter has blanketed the Maritime provinces, queries into the groundhog’s meteorological credentials began flooding into the internal investigations office.
“I guess it was just a matter of time,” Duchamp told The Manatee. “Everyone is eager for spring, and after this most recent storm, they were looking for someone to direct their frustrations at.”
It’s been more than a month since Groundhog Day; more than a month since Shubenacadie Sam predicted an early spring.
“I guess I’m just ready for winter to be over,” said New Brunswick resident Ryan Matchett. “I broke my best shovel halfway through February and thought I’d be able to get away without buying a new one until next year. I guess not. Damn rodent.”
Due to Nova Scotia being part of Canada’s Atlantic time zone, year after year Sam’s Groundhog Day prediction is the first made for the entirety of North America, and that could put a lot of pressure and strain on anyone.
“We’ve all lied to our bosses and employers before, exaggerated a claim here and there to try and get a promotion that we likely didn’t deserve,” New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant said while winking conspicuously. “I suspect he probably did the same, and it just snowballed on him. I don’t think he should be fired or discredited. I think the diplomatic solution here is to send him to school to get the diploma for real, and then reinstate him to his former position.
“I personally vow that New Brunswick will help pay his tuition; we love spending money on useless shit here.”