Halifax — Arthur Irving spoke at the opening of Irving Oil’s Halifax Harbour Terminal on Thursday, where he plugged the proposed Energy East Pipeline along with the exciting possibility of turning Halifax into a place much more like Saint John, N.B.
“As anyone can plainly see, Saint John is a bustling hub of commerce,” said Irving, whose age we guess to be around 90, “and if Halifax plays its cards right, it could be as thriving at the Port City. The original Port City, I mean.”
Irving bragged that Saint John’s oil refinery has brightened up the city’s skyline [through constant energy consumption], drawn tourists [protesters], and most importantly created countless jobs for an otherwise economically depressed area [which would not be economically depressed if Irving paid their fair share of taxes].
“Now that we’ve exploited — I mean, enriched — Saint John, it’s time to bring that Irving charm and culture to Halifax. A little-known fact about the refinery back in New Brunswick is that it’s actually a good thing, believe it or not. Once we get the ball rolling on Energy East, we’ll export our crude oil to Halifax where people can work for me instead of in their little bars or cafés or art stores or whatever. We’ll raze that unsightly farmers’ market and create a nice parking lot for all our new employees. You get the idea.”
Some Saint Johners are confused as to why the Irvings would set their sights on Halifax.
“I wouldn’t call Saint John a ‘bustling centre for business’ or anything like that,” said Gerald Vanderbilt of Princess Street. “I mean, look around — nothing but empty storefronts, bums asking for change, and old issues of the Telegraph-Journal blowin’ in the wind like tumbleweeds. On a Sunday the place is a damn ghost town. I’m living in a run-down apartment and can’t find a job to save my life. Shouldn’t Irving focus on fixing this place before he tries to model Halifax after it?”
Other Saint Johners are in much deeper denial.
“Hell yeah… Halifax could take a page from our book!” enthused uptown businessman and Irving employee Brian Carlson. “We’ve got the nicest fog, the best entrepreneurs, and Rockwood Park. Have you visited Rockwood Park?! It’s amazing!”
Carlson appeared to be high on some contraband substance so our reporter promptly ended the interview.
Halifax residents are unsure what to make of the Irving presence in the city.
“So… hang on a minute,” said barista Jennifer Larter. “Where is Saint John? Is it Saint John or St. John’s? Am I saying it right?”