New Brunswick — Shock and awe filled the hearts and minds of New Brunswickers today as what many believed to be an impossibility has finally happened. In a gesture of goodwill and true Christmas spirit, the infamous Irving family has announced that they will pay all of their 2015 taxes that are owed to the government of New Brunswick.
Financial analysts and economists are predicting that the 2015 taxes alone will spark a new golden age for New Brunswick by putting money back into the province and jump-starting its economy, much like an old used car being upgraded with a top-of-the-line V8 engine.
In March 2005, former Irving Oil president Kenneth Irving asked for a property tax break in Saint John, which was approved by the then provincial government. Now, after hearing that many Saint John city councillors would officially lobby the Gallant government to cancel the ongoing tax break for Irving, the Irving empire decided to cut it out right away.
“We didn’t know that that’s what the people wanted. If someone would have just come forward and told us, instead of grumbling about it at their family dinners, we would have started paying our taxes long ago,” explained Irving spokesperson Sandra Meyers at a press conference in Saint John. “We just want what’s best for New Brunswick.
“Let’s just put this all behind us. Here, have a free barrel of oil,” added Meyers, while blue hard hat-wearing Irving employees handed large, full oil barrels topped with festive bows to all the reporters in attendance.
Some analysts claim that the economic stimulus created by the Irvings paying their taxes will provide enough overhead for the provincial government to re-invest millions into every major and minor sector, with more than enough money left over to give a basic income of $800 a month to every New Brunswick citizen, like Finland is considering.
This boost in finances and morale is expected to make New Brunswick a leader in green initiatives, health, science and education due to the extra funding for research and development in those areas. Many residents have already quit their mundane jobs to pursue passions that pay less, but are overall more fulfilling.
“We’re abolishing tuition fees, student loans, debt, mortgages, poverty, homelessness, obesity — anything!” raved Premier Brian Gallant, foaming at the mouth. “We’ve got the money now. You name it, we’ll abolish it. Crime? Abolished. Call centres? Abolished. Potholes? Abolished.”
“This is amazing,” said a proud Chris Glenwald, a displaced New Brunswicker working the oil patches in Alberta. “New Brunswick has billions now. Billions! I’m coming home for Christmas. Hell, I’m coming home to stay.”
New Brunswickers from all over the world are expected to fly home this Christmas, with many likely staying permanently. As more and more Irving tax dollars flood in, the public can view the amounts raised on a large cardboard thermometer that was placed outside the New Brunswick legislature earlier today.