Saint John — JavaMoose, a New Brunswick coffee company adored by locavores, has announced a new Maritimes-themed blend: Fundy muckroast. The blend was first announced in a JavaMoose Facebook post:
“‘Fundy muckroast’ tastes like authentic dirt and sand from our beloved Bay of Fundy… Because it is! Every cup of Fundy muckroast you buy is scooped from local beaches. It’s guaranteed fresh every morning. We saw how many people love organic and local products, but still love drinking the crap that Tim Hortons calls coffee, so we figured those same hypocrites will love the Fundy muckroast!”
Surprisingly, some coffee connoisseurs have already tasted the Atlantic brew and greatly enjoyed it.
“It has a very gritty texture and bitter taste, but what I find appealing is that I know it was all sourced from within the province,” said caffeine-hound Ted Harmon through a mouthful of sand. “You have to hand it to JavaMoose — it takes balls to shove a cup of dirt in your customer’s hands and call it coffee, but I guess that’s what Timmies and McDonald’s do every day.
I’m glad I can finally buy that dirt and support a New Brunswick business,” added Harmon, filth spewing out between his lips with every word.
While some are excited about the new flavour, others have concerns regarding the safety and purity of the beverage.
“JavaMoose claims it’s pure New Brunswick dirt, but how do we know that the sea salt mixed in with the sand isn’t from Nova Scotia?” demanded Linda Cosman, a self-proclaimed connoisseur. “Or that any bits of kelp and dulse that get stuck in your teeth aren’t from P.E.I.? Was this tested for quality control? And that’s ignoring that fact that you’re literally drinking mud, which is a proven diarrhetic!”
The JavaMoose website, however, assures customers that they have high standards for quality that each batch must meet:
“Fundy muckroast is filtered through a child’s blue plastic strainer we found on the beach. It is then brought to a boil to kill most of the harmful bacteria and any hermit crabs or periwinkles that somehow made it past the strainer. What remains is painstakingly crushed to finer bits of sand with a steamroller from a nearby construction site, before being sent to our fine shops for sales.”
Fundy muckroast can be purchased at JavaMoose locations across the province, or at local New Brunswick food vendors such as Real Food Connections and Victory Meat Market.