Fredericton — At the provincial legislature last Thursday, Conservative and Green politicians voiced their concerns over the elimination of the tuition tax rebate, and pointed out the multiple glaring flaws with the new Tuition Access Bursary program.
The Liberals — who were ignoring the arguments by playing on their iPads and laughing among themselves — in turn stated that they’ve always been champions of youth having the freedom to be weighed down by insurmountable debt for the rest of their adult lives.
“Look, we Liberals lowered the average debt of $50K to around $30K for graduates!” yelled Liberal cabinet minister Donald Arseneault. “What more do they want? You’re all babies. It’s time to man up, that’s what I do every day! Yeah! I’m a man!”
The minister then slouched in his swivel chair and began sucking his thumb.
The burden of a debt of $30K is quite literally incomprehensible for a 17-year-old, who is still two years away from even being deemed mature enough to drink alcohol in New Brunswick. And that’s why recent grads are upset: they took on heavy debt that they didn’t understand, they are now indebted to a government that doesn’t represent their interests, and they have no chance of paying off that debt in a province that refuses to support them.
“That’s our point exactly; we need to continue to ensure youth get a boatload of debt before they can grasp what it actually means,” said Post-Secondary Education Minister Francine Landry. “That way they’ll sign up for an education they can’t afford and that will get them no job. They’ll have to take out even more loans to afford homes or cars, and will never experience any kind of financial independence. They’ll owe the province money and be stuck here forever. It’s the New Brunswick way. And anyway, I don’t see the Conservatives or Greens suggesting anything better.”
A petition was then presented to the Speaker that had been signed by real New Brunswick graduates who have been greatly helped by the tuition tax rebate, and who are upset that the funds are being redirected from this useful program into something to help others for only the 4-year period they’re in university.
Landry, refusing to look in the direction of the petition, said there is “no proof” that the tuition tax rebate was useful in retaining graduates in the province. “Mr. Speaker, be reasonable! It’s like global warming, or Santa Claus!” she cried. “Until the premier tells us his stance on these issues, we assume they don’t exist or aren’t worth seriously talking about.”
Unfortunately, the premier had to step out of the session, saying he had “no time for this.” A Manatee reporter spotted him an hour later meeting his latest Tinder match at Read’s.