Moncton — Following a recent divorce — from both a marriage and any sense of self-worth — Moncton man Lyle Stevens resigned himself Tuesday to a cat-themed video gambling machine, officially shucking off the last crumbling remnants of anything considered slightly dignified in his long and haggard existence.
Sources say what remained of the aging, dishevelled data-entry worker’s self-respect was sadly deposited in the form of a greasy, crumpled $5 bill into a video lottery terminal called “Kitty Glitter” and lost forever.
“You know it’s bad when they just ask for a glass of water and don’t even look at you,” said bartender Tracy Boudreau of the slouched, defeated man staring blankly at rotating images of cartoon cat faces who was not even bothering to get intoxicated.
Adding, “It’s a shame he doesn’t have like a cocaine addiction or something like that. At least a pathetic downfall with a little romance to it.”
At press time the sad sack of human flesh was unceremoniously cashing in a ticket for $16, forced to do so as the bar was closing. The winnings are speculated to be spent on a $1.98 can of Zoodles and more Kitty Glitter as soon as the bar reopens.