Saint John — NB Liquor has opened a new location on Somerset Street in Saint John, and the Port City’s lazy slobs are upset about the change. The store will replace the old Landsdowne Avenue location in the north end. The new store is bigger, brighter and overall offers a more pleasant shopping experience, but according to some Saint Johners, is “really a pain in the ass to visit.”
Christy Davidson, an employee of the Landsdowne Avenue Plaza near the old location, has said she’s seen first-hand how important the store was to the slobs who live close by. “The NB Liquor was really the pillar of this community,” she explained. “It brought everyone together in one place, with one common goal: to sit around and get drunk. People are really sad to see it go.”
One slovenly Landsdowne Avenue resident, Ralph Jones, 41, said he has no intention of going even one step farther to get his daily 12-pack of Coors Banquet. “I’m not interrupting my routine. Every morning I wait around here for the doors to open. It’s part of my daily ritual. I’ll have to start brewing in my bathtub I guess — I wasn’t using it anyway.”
Jones said the move will make it difficult for others like him without cars to access liquor on a daily basis. “I never could afford a car … I think it’d cost me around $300 a week just for upkeep and gas — who has that kind of money? And I spend most of my pay down here at the LC; you’d think they could accommodate me since I’m basically paying their salaries.”
Our reporter did some quick mental math for Jones, and pointed out that he spends, on average, $350.71 weekly on beer and wine. “Right, so I’d be spending around $650 a week just to drive and drink! In that order, obviously,” slobbered Jones, who then returned to watching TV on his couch, beer delicately balanced on his ample gut.
NB Liquor president Herman Crane said the decision to open the new location was based on simple logistics. “The old store had become too small and too outdated. We wanted a bigger, more attractive space where we could display new liquor selections and offer better service. Really the only people who are upset about it are the ones living near the Plaza who’ll have to find another source for booze, or get off their lazy butts and come here to get it.”
Herman Crane is a complete asshole to make a statement like that! I guess that’s why his name is herman. Telling customers to get off their lazy ass?? herman you’re an asshole!
It’s Manatee, Jerry 😉
awe poor babies
Waste of money anyways
This might actually pass for satire if you guys at least tried to hide your scathing remarks behind a little effort. All I have to do is look at the titles of your articles and I know its you guys. I know alot of people in our area aren’t the brightest crayons but you could try a little harder.
So to the writer, a person is a so called “slob” because they choose to buy alchol at a specific locstion and dont like the idea of having to go to a new location, i think your choice of words are disgusying and these people deserve an apology from you, i dont even have a clue how someone like you could even make it in the media world.
This is just plain insulting ! I understand its a parody , but you name an area of the city and characterize that area as full of lazy bums . I live in that area , I own a vehicle , and take offense to being lumped into a category like that . I usually get a laugh from your parodies , but this isnt funny , its insulting .
Have another beer Jack ____
I’m totally a slob… And I live in the north end. I have an awesome job, yet… Because I live in the north end, I am a total slob. I hate the new liquor store. I’ve been there. There are a lot of uptight pretentious bitches from milladgeville. I love their jewelry but hate their makeup. Also it be farrrr… In a Galaxy far far away princess Leigha blah blah blah