Atlantic Canada — Your friends who usually express the least interest in physical activity are, strangely, the ones who can’t get enough of all things PyeongChang 2018.
“There seems to be an inverse relationship between physical fitness and being gung-ho about the Olympic Games,” said Halifax man Daryl Morrison. “The less athletic you are, the more you actually seem to give a shit about your country’s performance in PyeongChang.
“Take my friend Kayla, for example. She has been posting online about it nonstop, and I’ve never even seen her go outside.”
Kayla Nesbit, 28, confirmed that spent Saturday evening at home alone, in her sweats, watching the ski-jumping event and snacking.
“I really identify with Team Canada,” she told us. “Sitting on my arse eating cheesies while watching these elite athletes do their thing really makes me feel alive, ya know? Maybe it’s just the generic aspect of the Olympics that makes it easy to like, but something about these fit strangers’ years of training to do this one pointless thing really touches me. Go Canada!!”
New Brunswickers Jolene Price and her boyfriend Logan Bertrand, who think most sports are too dangerous and their weekends too short to bother getting outside, have been shaming any of their friends who admit to finding the Olympics boring.
“I just try to make them feel guilty for being unpatriotic,” said Price, hoisting up her stretched-out pajama pants, rearranging herself on the couch and reaching her hand into a bucket of KFC. “We’re gonna win this one! What sport are we watching again?”
“It’s the luge, honey,” said Bertrand, who used to fake sick at school to get out of gym class, but purchased a bunch of overpriced Team Canada merch to wear during the Games. “And you’re right — we’re gonna take home the gold!”
The couple’s friend Evylyn LeBlanc, an avid runner and cyclist, said Jolene and Logan invited her over for an Olympic viewing party featuring pizza and beer.
“I’d rather just go skiing,” she said, packing a duffel bag before heading out to Poley Mountain, “than watch people I’ve never met ski. Jolene said I was being a bitch, but she’s so out of shape she’s probably going to have a heart attack before she turns 40. Then we’ll see who’s winning.”
LeBlanc added that the Olympics — both summer and winter — are “just something safe for dull people to grasp onto.
“The South Koreans aren’t even into it this year…” she pointed out. “That should tell you something.”