Fredericton — “Get your game faces on, because this is not a game!”
With those motivating words, Premier Brian Gallant kicked off “Be the teammate your teammate wants teammates to be” week at the New Brunswick legislature.
As the scoreclock is counting down to economic Armageddon and a shrinking population is threatening to shorten the bench, the premier and his team have employed sports psychology guru Tony “The Cheetah” Stimpson to help get the premier and Team Liberal back on the winning track and put more points on the board.
“The province is down to its last out, and has to drop the gloves and push through the pain,” Russell said while quaffing a Kale and quinoa energy drink during a nutrition break. “The premier and his team need a slam-dunk here. They have to be quick out of the gate and play a 200-foot game.
“A teammate as key as Brian needs to stay out of the penalty box and hit 3-pointers for 60 minutes. He can’t take one for the team while riding the bench.”
Tantamount to fostering teamwork, Mr. Stimpson claims, is bonding through the use of nicknames. “The premier is batting a thousand right now with his top-shelf approval rating, but if he and his team get thrown a curve-ball out of left field, we’ll have to move the goalposts to stay ahead of the play. Awarding each person a nickname will make them feel part of the team. 
“The process is already gaining steam as we head down the court and into the end zone,” he added. “Stephen Horsman, the deputy premier, is ‘The Stallion,’ Bill Fraser, who fronts Tourism, Heritage and Culture, is ‘Crazy Frazy,’ and one of my personal favourites is Serge Rousselle of the attorney general’s office; he’s been known as ‘Poutine Pete’ since he was a kid.
When Gallant was asked whether he has had any nicknames in the past, the premier shrugged. “At Young Liberals Summer Band Camp they used to call me “Throws Like a Girl,” but I don’t think that will fit on the back of a jersey,” the premier explained.
“I want a moniker that instills confidence in my teammates and fear in my opponents. Got any suggestions?”