Fredericton — While government restrictions to limit COVID spread are frequently changing, the one constant is the perpetual confusion about them.
Last week, the New Brunswick government modified the rules by unveiling the “COVID-19 Winter Plan,” which was intended to provide some much needed clarity. However, it resulted in more confusion, and did not trigger any reaction at all when the province hit an all-time high in new cases yesterday.
The Manatee to the rescue! Here at the province’s most trusted news source, we’ve analyzed the new restrictions and boiled them down to the bare essentials.
Here are the top 11 things you need to know about the new N.B. COVID-19 Winter Plan:
- If the province has an all-time high in new cases, we go to “Level 🙁 ”, where everyone feels like shit about it but we don’t do anything differently.
- Since the government doesn’t think it’s dangerous, if a child gets COVID they will now be referred to as “COVIDorable.”
- As long as people act like everyone within six feet could possibly kill them, it should be fine. Just crowd into Walmart like you usually do at Christmastime and see how that goes. That couldn’t possibly blow up in our face, right? Right?
- When new case numbers go down, it’s because circuit breakers work.
- When numbers do not go down, it’s because circuit breakers do not work.
- “Level 2” and “Level 3” restrictions are for losers. You’re not a loser, are you? ARE YOU? I didn’t think so. Get outta here.
- Gym selfies are now banned. This has nothing to do with COVID, it’s in the regulations just because they suck and make everyone feel bad.
- No singing in church, unless you’re that one lady who thinks church is her personal Broadway stage. You let that diamond shine!
- If switched to at-home learning, the Elf on the Shelf qualifies as “adequate supervision.”
- COVID is a bulletproof excuse to skip awkward Christmas gatherings. No ugly sweaters, no banal chit-chat, no sloppy drunks, no white elephant bullshit. You do you. You’re welcome New Brunswick.
- If the premier’s popularity drops to an all-time low in the polls, do whatever you want. We don’t even care anymore, you miserable jerks. Bah-humbug.