Fredericton — Despite the government’s aggressive information campaign about the benefits of the COVID-19 vaccine, over 20 per cent of eligible New Brunswickers still have not received their first dose.
Hesitancy over potential side effects, the newness of the vaccine and wild conspiracy theories are causing many to take a “wait and see” approach to receiving the life-saving injection.
In an attempt to gain the trust of the vaccine-adverse, Public Health decided to come clean on previously unpublished vaccine side effects affecting only New Brunswickers. Below are the top 10 New Brunswick side effects from COVID-19 vaccination.
- The vaccination actually prevents the government from tracking you, in case you’re working for cash under the table while on EI.
- People will retain water for up to three weeks after getting the injection, which will help you explain away that extra 20 pounds from quarantine.
- At Hopewell Rocks, vaccinated people can unlock a secret compartment in the formations using only a touch of their hand. The secret inside: more rocks.
- While inside of a covered bridge, you are 100 per cent protected from 5G messages from Bill Gates. However, until you leave, your phone can only access live-streams of the government’s COVID-19 updates.
- Downside: you completely lose the sense of taste. Upside: Alpine beer tastes fantastic for the first time ever.
- Your body will become super-magnetic and completely fry all of your debit and credit cards. But, you can now pay by tap using only your forehead.
- The vaccine microchips will enable you to remotely start your side-by-side, snowmobile and/or Ford F-150 truck.
- You will never be 100 per cent protected due to a structural deficit in the vaccine formula.
- While wearing camouflage clothing, the vaccine makes you completely invisible to most humans and some politicians.
- The vaccine will reprogram you to be completely bilingual and finally bring an end to language tensions in New Brunswick.