Listicle: Top 10 new N.B. COVID restrictions

Fredericton — As New Brunswick’s ICU beds fill up and hospitals reach capacity, the province is in its reddest “Green” phase of the entire pandemic.

Despite the surge of the more infectious Delta variant, over eligible 143,000 New Brunswickers still are not fully vaccinated — that includes almost 90,000 who haven’t had any vaccine shot of any kind.

Those figures do not include tens of thousands of children under 12 who are at risk of infection, but are not yet eligible for vaccination.

Since Wednesday, the province has introduced several new measures to help fight the deteriorating situation. Here are the top 10 New Brunswick COVID restrictions introduced this week:

1. To stop the flow of misinformation, unvaccinated people will be temporarily blocked from Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and TikTok. Instagram is fine for now since it’s mostly pictures of fancy coffee and face-tuned selfies. Snapchat remains ultimately useless.
2. Unvaccinated people who show up at the hospital must listen to “citizen experts” explain to them why they are sick before they can see a real doctor or nurse.
3. The unvaccinated now must attend Blaine Higgs’s church every week where he will read the Bible to them for an hour.
4. While no one will force the unvaccinated to get a shot, nurses holding needles will be allowed to stand around them in hopes they’ll accidently “bump into” being vaccinated.
5. To enter a restaurant, unvaccinated people must evade an “Indiana Jones” style booby trap where a wall of “vaccination darts” are shot towards them.
6. Unvaccinated people are compelled to listen to a constant stream of complaints from five-year-olds who think their mask is “itchy.”
7. Blaine Higgs will visit every unvaccinated citizen to give them a stern lecture on personal responsibility, and then send them to bed without supper. He’s not angry with you, he’s just very, very disappointed. You really let him down. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
8. To attend a gambling establishment, an unvaccinated person must play “Rock Paper Scissors” with a security guard. Losers get the shot, winners get to lose their paycheque.
9. Beer cans will become a game of “vaccination roulette” where selected cans will have hidden needles that get you right in the lip.
10. The unvaccinated will receive a “no vaccine” passport with a really embarrassing selfie picked by Dominic Cardy. And, Dominic don’t give a fuck how stupid you look.