New Brunswick — Going to the movies was once an exciting night out on the town for cinephiles of all ages. Once COVID hit, theatres took a nosedive into near-oblivion, and though they’re now reopened, the experience is drastically worse — unless, of course, you’re a masochist, someone who derives pleasure from their own pain and tedium.
For lack of anything better to do with our time, we’ve compiled the top 8 reasons seeing a movie in theatres is great if you’re lucky enough to be one of those people who finds a sick little thrill in miserable pursuits.
- The butter stations are closed: No one wants to admit to a skinny teenager how much (a shit-ton) of the syrupy butter flavouring you truly want on your extra-large popcorn. But they force you to say it now, as the self-serve stations are shut. Speaking the words “I want ALL of the butter…enough to put me at risk of a heart attack” might actually be kinda kinky if you’re a masochist, though.
- Half the washroom stalls are closed to maintain social distancing: This means you’re waiting in line to relieve yourself, probably missing ten minutes and crucial movie plot-points, and there’s a solid chance the stall you’ll end up in has a toilet that the last person failed to flush. That person must have been some kind of sadist.
- There are only three movies showing at once: And not three good movies, either. One good movie and two awful movies is the best-case scenario. Perfect for a freak like you!
- The prices haven’t dropped in the least: In fact, it seems like they’ve gone up. You’re paying way more for a far worse experience. Or better experience, if you enjoy being unhappy.
- The mall is closed: Need to kill time before your show? Well, now instead of shopping or buying cheaper candy from Walmart, you can wander the desolate, empty mall and look at the metal gates protecting the merchandise from you, you lowly, perverted movie-goer.
- Audio-only trailers: Not sure how this is a thing, and it can’t be related to the pandemic, but for some reason the projectionist can’t make the visuals work during the trailers. So you have to judge by sound alone whether you want to see M. Night Shyamalan’s latest film. Probably not…unless…?
- Super-limited seating: On the one hand, it’s nice you don’t have to share an elbow-rest with a stranger. On the other hand, if you don’t book your seats online well in advance, you’ll end up in the front row of the mostly empty theatre. Staring directly upward at a blurry screen for two hours might be almost arousing for a warped weirdo, though — who knows?
- Overall terrible atmosphere: The main reason to leave the house, where all your stuff is and where you can lie on the couch and watch any movie on the planet for free, is a fun, lively atmosphere. Which Cineplex no longer has. It’s not an escape from COVID, but a constant reminder of it. Huge, huge turn-on for masochists.
That’s our list! Grab your Scene card, your mask, your sanitizer, and fifty bucks and visit the silver screen for a miserable — yet strangely satisfying — night out!