Local boyfriends gear up to go apple-picking, pumpkin-carving, other fall shit

New Glasgow — Autumn is officially upon us, and that means one thing for boyfriends all across the Maritimes: they’ll soon — if they haven’t already — be asked to go pick apples, carve pumpkins, and share their “coziest” sweaters with their girlfriends.

One New Glasgow boyfriend, Aaron Woodburn, said he doesn’t mind apple-picking in general, but is irritated by his girlfriend’s groundless enthusiasm for the activity.

“I like fall as much as the next guy, but I don’t feel like wasting an afternoon driving to an orchard to pick, like, 20 apples and paying 15 bucks for the pleasure. Last year they rotted in the pantry because Jess didn’t actually have any plans for them after the picking and photo-taking.”

Woodburn’s girlfriend, Jessica Asher, said she has most of their outfits planned for the couple’s autumnal adventures.

“Fall fashion is as important as fall activities themselves,” Asher explained. “We need to look like we belong together, without being too matchy-matchy. So I’ve chosen a form-fitting plaid button-up for myself, with leggings, wool socks and my best Uggs. I’m getting Aaron to wear the beige cable-knit sweater I gave him last Christmas, with dark boot-cut jeans and Doc Martens. We’ll bring his camera and take enough photos for Facebook and Instagram that people believe we’re casual and fun, but also hot. Mostly hot, really.”

Dartmouth boyfriend Drew Norman said his girlfriend Annie McDonald purchased several pumpkins last evening, and asked him to clear his weekend for carving them. “She also wants us to decorate our apartment for Halloween. By the way, it’s not even October — and our apartment gets, at most, one trick-or-treater. I tried to talk her out of the whole thing but she just started going out about boyfriend-sweater this, hay-ride that. Last year she wanted me to physically go to a farm to choose the pumpkins with her, so I’m counting my #blessings, as she says.”

Norman said his girlfriend is also fond of going for walks to take pictures of the leaves, and filtering them for social media, adding cute hashtags such as #autumnloves or #fallingforfall. “She even wants me to rake our yard so we can take pictures of us doing that as a couple. Ugh. The house already smells like dead leaves and synthetic cookie dough from the fall-scented candles she burns — I can’t escape it.”

Boyfriends all across Atlantic Canada are especially dreading fall TV programming, as romantic melodramas such as Grey’s Anatomy are resuming for the season.

“If Annie starts watching ‘Grey’s’ I’m drawing the line,” bragged Norman. “I’ll just close the bathroom door, draw a bath, throw in a nice pumpkin spice bath-bomb, and create my own little oasis. Damnit — now’s she’s got me doing it!”