New Brunswick — Businesses all over the province are now reporting huge profits since adopting the bookkeeping and accounting methods used by NB Liquor.
“Those morons are brilliant,” gleamed small-business owner Charlotte Belgrave of Moncton. “It’s so much easier to balance the books if you have the freedom to add a couple weeks of sales at the end of your year. I’ve been reporting sales based on the typical 52-week year but my numbers look so much better if I use 54 or 55 weeks in that year instead — I kind of feel foolish for never thinking of this myself.”
Earlier this week it was reported that NB Liquor seems to not be following any solid guidelines with reporting their sales, according to the province’s comptroller. This new accounting method made it possible for the Crown corporation to report much higher than anticipated sales for their last fiscal year, resulting in some huge bonuses for the management team.
“They’re trailblazers, really,” explained provincial comptroller Andy Wojcicki. “They were struggling, not able to make their sales quotas, not able to turn a profit and not able to show they could provide a viable business model to the public. They were faced with two choices: They could sit back and continue down the path of failure, or they could be innovators and change the game completely. These heroes chose the latter and now they’re inspiring thousands of others to follow suit.”
Another business that has been over-performing since adopting the new methods is the independently owned Antique Turtles and Things in Canterbury, which sells antique turtle sculptures and other obscure collectibles.
“My investors are amazed by the sudden turnaround,” bragged shop owner Leslie Harris. “I went from showing no profits at all, to overachieving. The best part is that it was so easy! All I had to do was add a bunch of extra weeks into my sales figures. As long as I do this every year, it’s going to be impossible not to come ahead.”
While many businesses have been able to learn from NB Liquor and change their ways, others were forced to close.
“If I knew then what I know now, maybe things could have been different,” said the owner/operator of the Owl’s Nest Bookstore, which closed last year in Fredericton. “I was trying to do things the correct, honest way all along. Now I know I should have looked to the government for alternative methods.”
The Manatee spoke with the genius behind NB Liquor’s dramatic turnaround, Oliver Rappidor, who told us he was humbled by the recent accolades he’s been getting.
“Listen, I’m not special,” he told our reporter. “Well, not that special anyway. I just saw an opportunity to increase our sales without actually increasing our sales. I gave up on trying to sell more products pretty early on in the process so I knew I had to do something different, something creative. That’s when I noticed that if I crammed an extra couple of weeks’ worth of sales into the 52-week-year, it actually made things look pretty great.”