Grand Bay-Westfield — A local hunter is inconsolable and seeking legal action after he misplaced a 12-pack of camouflage Alpine cans in the woods Saturday morning near Grand Bay-Westfield. Efram Fishman was deer hunting when he laid his belongings on the forest floor to chase a squirrel, only to return and find everything but his beer.
“I searched high and low, and vice-versa. Nothing,” said Fishman, using the squirrel he caught as a handkerchief.
“That camo can is just too dang real-lookin’. I just want to have them back… in my.. [inaudible due to the sobbing].”
A search party of local oafs was immediately put into action, but no trace of the cans was found. The local search-and-rescue organization was asked to provide an aerial view in a plane to aid the search effort. The organization declined to help, however, saying the mission was deemed a “waste of taxpayers’ money” and “idiotic.”
In retaliation, the angry mob torched the search and rescue plane. While arson charges are pending, Fishman has filed a $2.5-million lawsuit against Alpine, Moosehead Breweries and the Government of Canada for mental anguish caused by missing out on what would have been a pretty good day-drunk.
“They were like were 12 cold, crisp children to me,” he said. “How many innocent people gotta be fooled by these awful cans before some good is done?”
A spokesman for Alpine said the company is counter-suing Fishman on the grounds of “idiocy of the highest order.” Fishman then countered the counter-suit for the additional anguish caused by being counter-sued.
Court dates are to be determined.