New Brunswick — A local man thinks he has a solution for the impending flood.
Millidgeville resident Patrick Eugene is suggesting the province fill the St. John River with sponges to absorb the water.
“The idea came to me as I was gathering some old Telegraph-Journals to line my birdcage with,” recounted Eugene. “I came across a photo of the Canducky Derby, with thousands of those little yellow ducks in the water. The image just stayed in my head as I went back upstairs.
“My 40-year-old son, who still lives with us cause he’s too lazy and can’t find a job, was watching that SpongeBob SquarePants cartoon. SpongeBob was doing that sucking-up-all-the-water thing, and it all just clicked. SPONGES!
“They certainly aren’t in short supply, now that there are three Dollaramas in a kilometre-radius on the east side. Best part is, they’ll just keep on floating down the river, and eventually head out to the Bay of Fundy and out into the Atlantic. Won’t even have to worry about cleaning them up.”
“Heck,” Eugene added, “that might even solve the problem of ocean levels rising. Hell, I might even get nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for this.”