Man who just got flu shot already feels the autism coming on

Fredericton — People all over the province are doing whatever they can to guard against this year’s flu virus, which health experts are calling the worst strain in years. Some, like Fredericton man Robbie Wheat, are even getting the shot knowing for a fact that it’s going to give them autism.

“I already feel the autism bugs crawling around and growing inside me,” Wheat told The Manatee after getting his shot at a work-sponsored flu clinic. “It’s only been an hour and I’m already showing the signs. I’m seeing numbers and letters backwards, I’m finding it hard to get motivated to do any work, and I even found myself singing along to that new Taylor Swift song that was on the radio — this must be how Michael J. Fox feels.”

Our reporter followed up on Wheat’s claim that he wasn’t able to concentrate on his work, and his employer was quick to refute that statement by explaining that Wheat has always been a rather poor employee.

“Robbie is actually pretty useless,” said Wheat’s boss, Marcia Kelly. “He just kinda slipped through the cracks and got through his probationary period and we haven’t had enough to support actually firing him, according to our annoying HR.”

Our reporter met with Wheat after seeing his claim of contracting autism being shared all over Facebook. He quickly revealed himself to be clueless about the disease.

“What is autism?” Wheat repeated when asked. “It’s really whatever you make it out to be. Like, it’s different for everyone. Some people can’t read too well after getting hit with the autism. Some people start acting, like, weird and stuff. I know one person who got the autism after giving blood once and ever since then, he’s been unemployed. I mean, he was unemployed before then too, but really gave up hope after the autism.”

The flu clinic at which Wheat was “infected” saw a total of 33 vaccinations given out and Wheat was the only person who came forward claiming to have any negative symptoms whatsoever.

“I mean, my arm is slightly sore,” admitted Sara Grasse, who got her shot directly after Wheat. “But do I feel different? No, not at all.”

Our reporter asked Grasse if she thought Wheat was exhibiting signs of autism, or of any other disorders since the injection.

“Oh, goodness no. That guy is just kind of an idiot. He has no clue what vaccinations do, he has no interest in actually learning about them, and certainly has no idea what autism is. Like I say, the guy is simply a tool.”