McCain Foods Limited announces plans to start using real potatoes

Florenceville — In a press conference this morning, McCain Foods announced that starting later this year, they will begin using real potatoes, locally grown on Prince Edward Island, to make their popular food products.

“I’m proud to announce that on May 23 of 2015 McCain Foods will begin using real potatoes to produce our french fries and other potato-based products,” said brand spokesperson Calla Farn.

The move is believed to have been influenced by Kraft’s recent announcement that they will no longer be using synthetic colours in their macaroni and cheese.

“Every year we’d have a meeting, and inevitably, somebody would bring it up,” said McCain board member Franklin Craig. “They’d say, ‘Why don’t we start using real potatoes?’ and we’d start to crunch the numbers, talk to the experts, but in the past it never worked out to be a financially viable option. But now, in 2015, we’ve decided to redouble our efforts and make it possible, because our customers deserve only the best, most authentic potatoes available.”

Of course, not everyone is happy about the shift to real organic potatoes. Manatee reporters took a visit to the McCain mansion, inhabited by the company’s elderly founder, Marcus Aurelius De Jesus Ford Coppola McCain III, to get his thoughts on the matter.

The 117-year-old billionaire was wheeled onto the front lawn by his live-in nurse, Miranda. Our reporters allowed him a few minutes to look out over the beautiful Florenceville countryside before asking him how he felt about his company using real potatoes for their their foodstuffs.

He scrunched up his wrinkled face into an expression of displeasure, then spit on the ground beside him. “Merda!” he cried, raising a shaky fist in exasperation, which caused him to fall from off his chair and launch into a fit of coughing. The nurse immediately ran to his aid, and angrily informed us that it was time for us to leave.

Despite their founder’s objections, McCain Foods Limited promises that their first shipment of fries using real, bona-fide potatoes will be produced over the coming weeks to meet their deadline.