Miramichi — Deputy Chief Brian Cummings of the Miramichi police sacrificed his double-double from Tim Hortons on Monday morning in order to be able to afford an armoured vehicle for the small northern New Brunswick city.
“I thought, instead of burdening the taxpayers for years like Fitch is doing in Fredericton, I would shop around,” said the fiscally responsible Cummings. “Managed to find the vehicle on sale for two bucks and thought, ‘You know what? I don’t need my coffee today. I never win Roll Up the Rim anyway.’ I decided to put that toonie right back into keeping Miramichi safe.”
In the capital city, Police Chief Leanne Fitch defended the exorbitant cost of their military vehicle, saying Fredericton has money to spare.
“Look around you — we’re loaded,” she said, donning a massive blinged-out dollar-sign necklace and checking herself out in a full-length mirror. “Dayum…I look goooood.”
Fitch reportedly got the impression that Fredericton has funds to spare when council approved a $350,000 armoured vehicle for the quiet city of only about 60,000 people.
“If we weren’t rolling in it, council would have shut down this stupid idea, fast,” Fitch said. “I was half joking when I brought it up, but then they actually went for it! Either council is dumb, or we’re loaded. I choose to believe the latter.”
Fitch said the people of Miramichi must be fine with a cheap armoured vehicle because they’ve always been driving “old-ass junkers,” so it’s nothing new for them. “I wouldn’t be caught dead in that thing, though. It’s what… like 25 years old? That shit’s embarrassing.”
Many Frederictonians who are opposed to the expensive and unnecessary armoured vehicle say that, if the time ever does arise when such a drastic measure is needed, cops could easily borrow a vehicle from Base Gagetown.
“Oh, yeah, like I’m going to go begging to use someone else’s vehicle because we’re suddenly in a tight spot,” scoffed Fitch. “I haven’t borrowed a car since I was 16 and wanted to go up to the mall with my friends. And even then my parents were super annoying about it, setting all these rules and guidelines. No thanks.”
Miramichi residents see their deputy chief as somewhat of a hero.
“I still can’t believe he gave up a double-double for us,” said Mike Parker, who was sitting in the King Steet Tim Hortons. “Not a small, or a medium, but he sacrificed a large Timmies, on a Monday no less! The guy has willpower — no doubt about that.”
Both cities plan to decorate their armoured vehicles with department colours and logos.
“Oh god, you know theirs will look sooo ghetto,” said Fitch. “You get what you pay for.”