Moncton — Citizens celebrating Christmas in Moncton will be far less happy and bright this year.
In a move being called nanny-state politics and environmental activism run amok, Moncton city council passed a surprise motion last night limiting the lighting of outdoor Christmas lights to just one hour per day.
The new bylaw imposes a city-wide ban on having electrically powered outdoor lights on your premises for a period exceeding 60 minutes per day. Any violation of the bylaw leaves the homeowner prone to fines starting at $300 for the first offence, and escalating to $1,000 per incident for repeat offenders.
“We talk about global warming and climate change, but just look at all of that wasted electricity,” said Moncton Mayor Dawn Arnold. “We aren’t taking away anyone’s right to celebrate the holiday season, but it must be done responsibly. An hour’s worth of lights per night per person is a reasonable limitation on Christmas cheer, and helps ensure the planet will have many more Happy New Years.”
However, Lutes Mountain resident Noel Ampoulet thinks city council is just being grinchy. “We put together a gigantic synchronized light show every year, including rock music and thousands of bulbs. We have new songs this year — I’ve spent hundreds of hours just timing the lights to the song ‘Despacito’ for example. It’s a masterpiece if I do say so myself. It’s just not fair to be limited to only one hour per day!”
Since news of the resolution has spread, a few “alt-right” protesters appeared on downtown street corners. They say that the city’s resolution is evidence of the “liberal media’s war on Christmas.”
“Pretty soon, you won’t even be able to call them Christmas lights,” spat one mouth-breather in disgust. “Jesus died for our freedom to put up twinkling icicle lights and such, and we won’t let Hillary Clinton take that away from us!”
But Arnold isn’t shying away from the fight and is already planning her next move. “Next, we need to get Santa to give up his reliance on cheap coal for stockings and his methane-producing reindeer.”