Moncton — On Thursday afternoon, RCMP heroically defended themselves against a home-grown, urban terrorist in the city’s east end. The perpetrator, described as a large bear-like animal (most likely a bear), took a slow-paced stroll through the quiet suburb.
“I, for one, am sick of these constant bear attacks!” cried homeowner Jacques Gervais. “I’ve lived here 30 odd years and this is the first bear I’ve seen, but they’re clearly taking over. They’re scaring away our salmon, forcing us out of our homes and eating our children…when will it end?!”
Authorities were first alerted to the crisis early Thursday morning. Swat teams quickly mobilized, cordoned off the area, contained the rustic infidel without incident and charged it with one count of being a bear.
Before killing it good and dead.
“He was coming right for me,” said Staff Sgt. Marc Leblanc. “He had a gun — it was him or me and I had no choice but to empty my round in his ass. Look, I’m a one of the good guys. Bear Lives Matter; I would never kill a black bear if they didn’t deserve it.”
Craig Klein, a wildlife hippie biologist with the Energy and Resource Development Department, said that tranquilizing the bear was “absolutely an option.”
“Bears rarely acquire currency,” explained Klein, “nor are they usually allowed to shop in human stores, get approved for gun licences, or have the opposable digits necessary to even hold a firearm properly. Leblanc is probably just another paranoid gun-loving, trigger-happy lunatic who should move to the States.”
“We’re here, we’re clear, we don’t want anymore bears!” chanted neighbourhood watch leader Annie Boutilier. “Moncton is infested with bears and it’s about time the government do something about it! With the recent onslaught of bear invasions, it’s obvious that we need a 24-hour BEAR PATROL!”
Of course, such an agency would necessitate an increase in taxes.
“No, no to tax stuff,” said Boutilier. “They’re already shutting down small businesses with the tax increases. They’re even making doctors quit and move to other provinces. We can’t have no more tax but we need this bear patrol!”
The Manatee can confirm that, bizarrely, no local resident has ever heard of The Simpsons, and this article is definitely not a rip of that episode where everyone gets hysterical about bears, and ends up blaming illegal immigrants for the tax hike.
BUT…if taxes do rise to pay for the bear patrol, it’s probably the fault of illegal immigrants.
Why don’t they just invest in magic rocks that repel bears? That’s how they keep the tigers away, after all.