New Brunswick — It’s a chilly, rainy Good Friday in the Picture Province, but many New Brunswickers are working — which to them means cuddling up next to a willing stranger and watching the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
In a time of severe economic stagnation, unemployed people all over the province are turning to previously undiscovered forms of income, one being professional cuddling. CBC recently reported that cuddling services are on the rise all across Canada.
“It’s the perfect new job for me,” said pro-cuddler Jamie Kendall of Sussex, who was hired on with The Cuddlery shortly after he lost his job when the town’s potash mine closed. “There are lots of lonely people in the province whose significant others, children, parents and friends have all moved away to find work. I can give them a little human affection, and they give me money, which I desperately need.”
According to its website, “Whether you’re stressed, sad, lonely or just wanting a warm embrace, the Cuddlery can help you return to centre through loving touch. Our cuddlers offer warmth and well-being in a safe, confidential and non-judgemental environment.”
Kendall backs these claims wholeheartedly. “Heck, who’s less judgmental than a New Brunswicker? We’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain with this. In fact, when I applied, they asked my weight and I told them I hadn’t lost my Christmas fat yet; they said that being overweight or obese actually works in your favour when it comes to cuddling. No one wants to cuddle up to a rack of bones, right?
“Lots of me to love,” he added with a chuckle, grabbing his ample belly.
Kendall expects that when other New Brunswickers hear about his success in professional cuddling, they’ll be rushing to sign up as well.
“I’m literally getting paid to sit on my ass,” he bragged. “I light a couple of old citronella candles from summer — for atmosphere, you know — grab the afghan that Grammie crocheted for me, order some Dominos and throw in a DVD. I could do all this without a needy stranger, but it don’t bother me any to have them here.”
If you wish to become a professional cuddler, submit an application here.