New Brunswick — The Covid-19 Pandemic, which has multiple countries on lockdown, international economies tumbling, and citizens around the world fearing for their heinie hygiene, has left many experts speculating as to when all of this insanity will end.
What experts have neglected to ask, however, is how it all began. Bats have been blamed as a potential source, but who infected the bats? Fortunately, The Manatee was able to obtain a rare interview with Mother Nature to answer this pertinent question. Gaia, as she prefers to be called, is now 4.543 billion years old, and spoke to us by phone from her La-Z-Boy at York Manor, where she currently resides.
“You’re gonna have to speak up!” she yelled into the phone. “Hearing’s not as good as it was 2 billion years ago. So I guess you’re wondering why I did all of this.” She cleared her throat: “Well, way back in 1965, or was it ‘75? Can’t remember…anyway, I could see that humans were starting to ruin the world.
“A few decades later, my darn kids put me in this godforsaken nursing home. Not once did any of them visit or even call. My children weren’t taking care of me and the humans weren’t taking care of the world I created for them. I was livid. I was just about to go full ‘Noah’s Ark’ on the planet — take everyone out, you know?
“Then an infuriating series of events here at the nursing home last fall made me change my mind. One night Mildred snuck into my room and stole my best Sunday hat! Then the next day I found out that Bill from down the hall, who I’ve been, um, dating, has been spreading syphilis around the senior’s home! That did it. I created a new super-virus that would be strong enough to kill off the pesky seniors but leave the younger folks alive to figure out the climate crisis. I’ll give everyone — my kids included — one last chance.”
We were able to reach Mother Nature’s oldest daughter Joan for comment:
“Mom can be really moody and vindictive. But this time she’s gone too far! I mean, does she really think that by putting us all into isolation her kids will actually call her? She’s so boring! She tells the same dinosaur creation story all the time. Who cares?!
“I guess she’s gotten her point across, though. Now I know how she feels, being stuck home alone all day. At least I have Netflix though!”
Close family friend, the immortal Father Time, weighed in on the matter from his winter home in Tampa, Florida:
“I’m going to have to side with Mother Nature on this, despite the fact that the old bat sometimes drives me nuts. Maybe by putting us all into self-isolation, we’ll finally learn the importance of slowing down, being kind to one another, and working together towards the common goal of saving the planet she created.
“As I’ve been warning people for years, time is running out.”