Shediac — Yet again, Parlee Beach finds itself in a crappy situation and is awaiting test results to determine weather or not it’s a safe environment for swimming. Just like most New Brunswickers who have taken tests, though, the beach is pretty confident that it’s probably going to fail.
“Listen, I never finished school or anything,” the beach told our reporter on Tuesday afternoon. “I’m just a bunch of sand, water, poop and garbage — how am I supposed to be equipped for testing? This just isn’t fair.”
The popular tourist destination had four “no swimming” advisories last week alone, which has prompted questions into its safety.
“The mindset that all New Brunswickers are dirty and don’t mind being that way is just an incorrect, negative stereotype,” explained Department of Health representative Krista Wall. “We like being clean and swimming in clean water just like everyone else — and yes, I’m even including French people in this statement.”
The Manatee quickly found that residents are empathetic toward the beach and understand the anxiety that comes with testing.
“I hated tests all my life,” explained Derek Fournier from Moncton. “I don’t think I’ve ever passed one test, ever. I really feel bad for the beaches that endure this negative attention each year and have to go through all this rigorous testing — I’m sure glad that I’m done with all of that stuff myself.”
Another local lamented that he’s been personally affected by the testing and low water quality.
“A telltale sign for me is the fact that I now have to shower every night after swimming there,” sighed a frustrated Peter Gordon. “That used to be all the bathing I’d need — just going for a swim. Now though, it feels like that only makes me more dirty and makes me smell worse. I’ve even had to go out and buy myself some soap — hopefully the government is ready to reimburse me for all the extra costs of living I’ve had to take on.”
Gordon went on to say that tests are “stupid” and listed off a bunch of tests he’s failed in his time.
“Failed math tests, French tests, English Tests, spelling tests, driving tests and paternity tests. You name a test and I’ve probably failed it — I even failed an IQ test somehow. Did the whole thing and it didn’t even give me a letter or anything, just some random number.”
The beach itself suggested that these tests are biased and really don’t give a clear picture of overall quality.
“We’re all different and smart in different ways. Sure, I might be full of crap and maybe a little unsafe to swim in or whatever by these testing standards. I bet I’m one of the only beaches around that knows both languages, though. That should really count for something. Also, there’s a big difference between being smart and getting good test results — failing doesn’t mean I’m stupid.”