N.B. introduces ‘ATV lottery’ to boost vaccination numbers

New Brunswick — Taking its cue from California where vaccinated residents were entered into a draw to win one of 10 cash prizes of $1.5 million, New Brunswick is hoping to inspire anyone who was on the fence to go get their jab.

“We got ‘er done, we made it to 75 percent vaxxed with at least one dose, but we still have long way to go,” said Dr. Jennifer Russell at a press conference Wednesday morning. “We looked at the stats and saw that people in their 20s and 30s were the least vaccinated of eligible age groups, and that got us to thinking — speculating, really — that it must be rural hillbilly conspiracy theorists keeping us all from herd immunity. So, Blaine and I wondered, what’s something these people can’t resist? Easy: the lotto and ATVs — the connection was obvious.”

“We obviously can’t afford to be handing out millions of dollars, but I think that sweet, sweet possibility of winning a like-new ATV will capture the attention of those last vaccination holdouts,” said Premier Blaine Higgs. “You can’t be entered without getting your shot.”

There is only one ATV on offer, not 10, and the province purchased it on Facebook Marketplace from some guy out in Durham, but officials are certain this lure will mean a 100 percent vaccination rate before month’s end, which is when the draw will take place.

“It was a typical Marketplace deal,” Higgs said into the mic, a little proudly. “I messaged the guy, ‘Is this still available?’ He said, ‘Yeh.’ So I was like, ‘OK…well can I come get it then?’ He said, ‘K.’ Only three failed meetups and one successful transaction later, the machine was in my possession. I personally have no interest in muddin’, so I have no problem giving it up for a good cause.”

Tucker Allen, 32, of Zealand, informed a Manatee reporter that he doesn’t trust vaccines because he doesn’t know “what’s in ’em.”

“Nah, never bought into the Covid stuff,” he said, swigging a Monster and chasing it with a large bottle-toke before reaching for a three-day-old Irving hotdog to munch on. “Was never much for the government either. But my ol’ rig’s busted, I had to sell ‘er for parts last year, and it was my only transportation to town. So, hell, I figure I’ll get the injection and take my chances with whatever the heck that does to ya. I can’t let buddy up North win it.”

Our reporter failed to ascertain the identity of “buddy up North,” but assume he is some sort of rival who will present stiff competition for Allen should he hear about the lottery.

New Brunswickers who, like Higgs, either don’t want or already have an ATV, may trade it in for a gently used Arctic Cat should they win the lottery.

“Don’t quote me on the Arctic Cat,” Higgs told us well after this article was finished. “I’m still haggling for it with this hick on Kijiji, and you know how those deals tend to fall through.”