New Brunswick — As some parents complete their back-to-school shopping lists, others are preparing for a second wave of bargains.
“Why would anyone buy school supplies now? They’ll be back for three or four weeks before cases start popping up, and back out the doors they’ll go!” exclaimed mom of two and 24/7 Facebook Yardsale admin Alisha Stone.
“For frig sakes. Need an eraser? Borrow an eraser. Need a pencil? Steal your neighbour’s pencil. They all look the same. It teaches resourcefulness, social skills, problem solving and speed. When they get sent home and parents try to sell their useless school supplies online for cheap, I’ll be ready to pounce with cash money.”
Local retailers are noticing an impact on sales as well.
“We haven’t sold a single Five Star binder yet this year,” sighed Staples General Manager Steven Brooks. “Even the white-collar one-upping Joneses are buying the ninety-nine cent crap. I mean, if you’re not willing to spend thirty dollars on a binder, do you really care about your child’s education?!”
Self-nominated Mom of the Year four years running Elizabeth Mahoney has decided to stick with the recommended shopping list, but with her own add-ons.
“Have you ever read Lord of the Flies? I have. If students are forced to isolate at the school for two weeks, I’m going to make sure my David is going to be the last one standing. Flint and steel, an emergency blanket, a pocket knife, tree stand, camo paint, a flat of baked beans, a laminated copy of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, and a home urine filtration kit. O.T.S.S., David. O.T.S.S.”
When asked for comment, Education Minister Dominic Cardy said, “Excuse me? People are doing what?! Oh my God. I need a drink.”