New Brunswick — Summer is over and parents all across the Picture Province are preparing for their kids’ return to school next week, which means extra trips to Sobeys for lunch supplies, extra trips to Walmart for school supplies — and extra trips to NB Liquor to stock up for day-drinking.
“This is without a doubt the greatest time of year!” exclaimed Fredericton mother of three Veronica Norrad. “My children will be back in school all day, which means I can get back to my normal daily routine of watching Maury to see who the father is while mixing slings, mimosas, screwdrivers and pounding as many shots as I can safely manage until the kids get home.”
NB Liquor spokesperson Darcy Matthews told The Manatee that this is traditionally the busiest week of the year for the Crown corporation.
“Most people think that Christmas week, or even the beginning of summer would be our busiest time,” he explained. “But, it’s always the week before school starts. At first I didn’t quite understand the correlation but then I had kids myself and it was easy to see.”
Matthews said that although it’s mostly stay-at-home parents inflating the liquor sales before back-to-school, there are also a decent number of working parents who opt to take this week as vacation from the summer they just spent with their kids.
“Raising kids is a hard job in New Brunswick nowadays and people are pretty judgmental if you aren’t sober while you’re doing it. Parents get so stressed out having to spend that much time with their children over the summer months that by the time September rolls around, they’re really ready to let loose and get trashed while the kids are at school.”
We asked one day-drinker, Kirk Taylor of Saint John, how he’s able to properly care for his kids once they get home from school.
“If you’re doing it right, it’s not even an issue,” he proclaimed. “Start drinking hard by 8:30 in the morning, you take a drunken nap after lunch and you’re good as gold once the kids get home and wake you up — it’s science.”
Matthews also said that although NB Liquor doesn’t promote day-drinking for parents, he does think it’s a time-honoured tradition that New Brunswickers hold near and dear to their hearts.
“It’s like my parents told me when I was younger: Having kids makes you want to drink, and drinking makes you not regret having kids — win-win.”