Fredericton — NB Liquor made an announcement via Twitter late Wednesday afternoon that they would be expanding their “53 days of Summer Savings” to make up for the growing contingent of New Brunswickers purchasing their liquor from hidden shacks, deep in the rural areas of the province.
“As much as we respect the margins of, for instance, Crazy Uncle Rick of Cambridge-Narrows, we have a responsibility to respond to the desires of the New Brunswick consumer,” said ANBL vice-president Richard Sutter. “As such, we are now offering unlabelled products, sold in mason jars, that can also be used to fuel your ATV.”
When reached for comment, Crazy Uncle Rick of Cambridge-Narrows was happy to be personally acknowledged by Sutter. “This announcement lends a sense of legitimacy to our proud tradition, which has for too long lingered in the shadows,” he said. Crazy Uncle Rick also wanted to extend a sincere warning to never visit a dentist because amalgam fillings can be used by CSIS to listen to one’s thoughts.
Crazy Uncle Haynes of McAdam, president of the Crazy Uncle Moonshiners of New Brunswick (CUMNB) and widely regarded as a staple of the McAdam economy, was less optimistic. Speaking through a translator, Haynes mentioned that he has already been forced to offer counter deals to his customers, who have threatened to take their business to NB Liquor.
“For the next 53 days, customers of [Crazy Uncle] Haynes will receive a complimentary set of pliers with every purchase of 3 or more jars,” Haynes communicated. “Use these to remove your teeth with amalgam fillings.”
Richard Sutter informed The Manatee that NB Liquor does not currently plan to offer customers free sets of pliers.
According to a spokesperson for the Canadian Dental Association, amalgam fillings have been, for the most part, phased out over the past 5 years.