New Brunswick — The New Brunswick government says it will be entering the legal cannabis market this July by setting up a network of standalone stores. Citing the effect of the proverbial “slippery slope,” they’ve also confirmed that provincially managed prostitution will soon follow.
“Of course, we don’t wish to equate the use of cannabis with prostitution,” said Finance Minister Cathy Rogers in a statement. “The timing is purely coincidental.”
Not everyone in the government agrees with this statement.
“No way, man, we totally wanted to get them both out at the same time,” said Agriculture Minister Rick Doucet. “I don’t know about you, bro, but when I smoke a doob, I get horny as fuck.”
Due to the controversial nature of the policy, the entire Liberal cabinet agreed to host a brief press conference yesterday in the Fredericton City Hall. The event was open to the public. At precisely 7:30 p.m., the majority of the government sat down to answer questions. The premier, however, was nowhere in sight.
Finally, 15 minutes later, Gallant strutted into the room, wearing a yellow jumpsuit, long-brimmed hat and several gold chains. He sat down at the centre of the table.
“Ask away,” he said with a sly smile, revealing a silver bicuspid.
“How, exactly, will the tax dollars accumulated from this enterprise be distributed?” asked Telegraph-Journal reporter Martin Frost. “How much of it will go towards exclusively benefiting the members of this cabinet?”
There followed a tense pause.
“The fuck you just say to me?” said Gallant, looking to his fellow cabinet members in disbelief. “I know this skinny motherfucker did not just ask me that shit.”
The premier proceeded to flip the table and stand up with his arms outstretched, requesting that Frost “come at” him. The reporter stuttered some form of apology, but this only seemed to anger the premier more.
Gallant then removed a 9mm Beretta handgun from his waistband and shot at the ceiling, pieces of drywall falling down around him.
“This press conference is over.”
The crowd quickly dispersed.