New Brunswick — Teachers of New Brunswick need worry no more about the potential job losses they’re set to face in the coming year. In a surprise announcement made this morning by Education Minister Serge Rousselle, it was revealed that the Gallant government has come up with a plan to place all jobless teachers in a government position while simultaneously cutting operation costs at NB Liquor.
“We want to make sure to take care of our teachers,” announced Rousselle in front of an NB Liquor location on Fredericton’s north side. “We need to make tough sacrifices to return our province to glory, and we need to be creative to do so,” he continued. “So, it is with great enthusiasm that I present our plan to take all teachers who have lost their jobs due to cutbacks and place them in a different government industry: booze.”
The plan entails a total business model change for the liquor company that will see the former teachers taking on jobs as cashiers, managers, buyers, labourers and quality-control clerks. NB Liquor stores across the province will also be changing their hours to accommodate a clause in the teachers’ collective bargaining agreement, which states: “If any member of the NBTA becomes an employee in a different branch at any level of the New Brunswick government, they must maintain their same wages, vacation entitlement and daily hours worked.”
The new hours for the liquor agency are listed below:
Monday: 8 a.m. – 4 p.m.
Tuesday: 8 a.m. – 4 p.m.
Wednesday: 8 a.m. – noon
Thursday: 8 a.m. – 4 p.m.
Friday: 8 a.m. – 4 p.m.
The agency will be closed on all statutory holidays (if the holiday falls on a weekend it will be observed on the following Monday); closed for 2 weeks for Christmas Break (dates change yearly); closed the first full week of March (dates change yearly); closed from the third week in June until the last week of August (dates change yearly); and closed several days throughout the year for personal development courses.
The new hours will drastically change the way New Brunswickers buy alcohol and could give a huge boost to local breweries such as Picaroons in downtown Fredericton. “This will be fantastic for our business,” said a cheery Jeff Kincaid, brewmaster. “With the liquor store closed for the summer, we’re sure to have people beating down our doors to get their fix.”
The Manatee asked NB Liquor CEO Nancy Beers whether she was worried about the potential business loss the agency may incur with far fewer operating hours. “We’re optimistic that the gains will outweigh the losses,” she said sheepishly. “We’re following Costco’s lead — they have extremely reduced business hours compared to their competition, and people still go crazy for that place.
“We’re pretty confident that we’ll be OK. Sure, people can go to local breweries or wine kit stores for some of their drinks, but they’re not going to start bootlegging their own Jack Daniels or Absolut.”
The announcement will likely lead to a huge spike in drink sales for eateries in the province, and will force people to buy liquor from the bar at weddings instead of sneaking it into Solo Cups from car trunks.
“I’m going to go broke at the golf course,” complained Richard Hayward of Moncton. “I never buy anything from the clubhouse; I just slip it into my golf bag and hide it around the course-marshals when they’re around. It’s not like I can golf without drinking — that would be way too boring.”
NB Liquor will fill its positions primarily with contract teachers who are out of work, with any remaining positions going to substitute teachers.