Fredericton — After announcing last week that they would eliminate plastic bags in New Brunswick stores, today ANBL announced another new program to help customers get into the bag.
Starting New Brunswick Day weekend, all ANBL outlets in the province will start phasing out plastic and glass bottles in favour of refillable bags.
Each bag of booze — available in “lightweight,” “buzzed,” “plastered” and “drunk af” sizes — will come with a reusable straw and be refillable dozens of times. With close to 100 possible refills, ANBL estimates that for a typical New Brunswicker a 2L bag could last for an entire month.
“A lot of people really liked the idea of getting rid of plastic bags!” marvelled CEO Harry Briman. “Honestly, we aren’t really used to good feedback like that. Typically, the best reaction we can elicit from customers is contemptuous silence!
“So, we are going to keep this whole green thing going as long as possible. Eventually, people might actually start respecting us!”
With many details ostensibly still being ironed out, Briman had few answers to reporters’ questions. But when asked if New Brunswickers needed a specific bag for each type of alcoholic beverage, Briman smirked and replied immediately.
“Um, we think we know our customers pretty well, and once they get past the first mouthful they don’t usually care what drinks get mixed together! We think one bag will be plenty for most people…except for those fancy-pants shitheads who drink craft beer and the imported stuff,” he said in a high-pitched mocking tone.
“In fact, we’re thinking about a ‘swamp water special’ where customers can fill up their bag from random taps — just like the Polar Pops at Circle K! If you don’t like what we’re serving, that’s fine. You can make up your own weirdo concoctions.
“We won’t judge you…any more than usual that is.”