Fredericton — After receiving abnormally high power bills this month, many NB Power customers were angry and confused about what could have caused the increase. Dismissing colder temperatures as the culprit, some customers happened to check their security camera footage and discovered a familiar figure sneaking into their houses while they were away.
Footage from multiple sources was submitted to The Manatee and appears to show NB Power President and CEO Gaëtan Thomas breaking into houses while people are asleep or away at work, cranking up the heat, plugging in various appliances, and leaving on power-hungry electronics such as computers and fake fireplaces. Thomas, who appears to be acting completely on his own, is clad in a suit and wearing nothing with which to disguise his face. In some instances he even smiles a crazed grin at the security cameras.
“My husband and I arrived home from the movies — we had just seen Insidious 3, and we spotted the guy trying to sneak out of our window,” said Portia McStewart, an NB Power customer who submitted security camera footage to The Manatee. “I yelled ‘Hey! What are you doing?!’ and he hissed at us, then slithered and slunk into the woods in our backyard.
“I ran after him while my husband called the police, but it was dark and somehow, the burglar didn’t leave any footprints in the snow,” explained McStewart, with a visible shudder. “I guess the movie we’d just watched creeped me out too much. But when the police came, they couldn’t find footprints either. We were all weirded out because nothing had been stolen, but every appliance had been turned on and the heat was turned up all the way. Our power bill is going to be huge from that night alone.”
After receiving numerous similar reports and matching the footage to the NB Power CEO, The Manatee arranged a meeting with Gaëtan Thomas for a statement on our findings.
“Yes, I did it. I broke into every house and raised their bills with my own two hands. So what?” spat Thomas, when confronted with the evidence. “You have any idea how hard it is to keep this company profitable when everyone, including this company, is promoting all these energy-saving initiatives?” Thomas’s forehead throbbed with large red veins as he ranted his confession to The Manatee reporter.
“‘Oh, please, Mr. Thomas, please keep us warm!’ Why!? So you can all huddle around your TVs and tablets and take NB Power for granted? It’s not a right — it’s a privilege to have electricity!” raved the CEO, pounding his desk with his fists.
“I got the idea to do it all myself when I was doing a simple inspection at Point Lepreau. There was a minor leak in one of our nuclear reactors. Instead of killing me, the radiation awakened me — it opened my mind to all sorts of grand business ideas. Like raising power rates myself, or making every N.B. resident ride stationary bikes all day to generate electricity, like in Black Mirror. Or maybe we just let the reactors blow it all up and start from scratch, right? Hahahahahaahaahaaaaaa!!!!”
As The Manatee reporter tried to quickly end the interview and leave, Thomas couldn’t resist one final parting quote:
“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling manatees!”
This is my favourite article. I read it for kicks at least once a month.