Fredericton — NB Power has had enough of goddamned trespassers. At a press conference today, NB Power spokesperson Pierre Leblanc told reporters that since the new fences and signs have done little to deter trespassers, NB Power will be putting a stop to trespassers once and for all by drowning them.
“We have idiots jumping off of our cliffs, trying to climb our dam, even trying to get superpowers by bathing in the irradiated waters near Point Lepreau. Today we say ‘No more!’ Anyone caught trespassing will be tasered, brought to our company pool, and drowned.”
Leblanc said that on day one of the new initiative NB Power already permanently stopped 3 trespassers.
“We have already seen a positive drop in trespasser rates. Three youths were caught defeating fences, smoking and taking selfies at the cliff by our Mactaquac Dam. After successfully drowning them, we can say with 100 percent certainty that they will not return,” boasted Leblanc.
Local delinquent Clara Smythe, 25, expressed distaste for the new rule.
“How can they legally do this? I’m really not thrilled about it at all. I just want to jump in water from a high place. Who are they to take away our right to endanger our lives?” grumbled Smythe.
Cliff-jumping aficionado Chris McDonald echoed her statement. “You live in the area, you gotta jump. At least twice per summer. A fence can’t stop us, and neither will the suits at NB Power!” raved McDonald.
NB Power is asking all Mactaquac boat owners to voluntarily monitor the Mactaquac cliffs and drown any would-be daredevils.