Saint John — Several residents of rural areas in New Brunswick are worried that the herbicides that NB Power is spraying on and around their properties may potentially be harmful. The company maintains that the products they use are “probably not all that bad for you,” but few are convinced.
“My entire crop is ruined,” complained illegal weed farmer Grayson Parch in a town council meeting. “I wouldn’t even sell this shit to middle school kids.”
“And I can’t find a decent leaf to wipe myself with anymore,” chimed in a local hermit.
To combat the negative press, NB Power called an immediate “full disclosure” press conference at an undisclosed area in Saint John, where they promised to be open and upfront about their weed-killing tactics.
The meeting was hosted by Brent Staeben, the company’s director of marketing and communications, who looked incredibly nervous as he stepped up to the podium and opened the floor for questioning. A reporter for the Telegraph-Journal asked whether the herbicides used by the company have proven to be safe for use in residential areas.
“Well, it’s… kind of… You wouldn’t want to swim in it or anything…” he said as he loosened his collar. “But, it’s more or less OK, I think.”
Staeben then thanked the press for their time, and hastily called for security to begin firing rubber balls into the audience. The following day, Gaëtan Thomas, NB Power’s president and CEO, proved to be much more confident in the poison’s safety.
“This stuff is harmless, really,” he said, spraying a generous amount of herbicide onto his Tim Hortons donut. “Tasty, even. I’m like that old lady in that Frank’s RedHot commercials — I put this shit on everything.”
A few minutes later a reporter from The Manatee saw Thomas vomiting in the dark alleyway behind the restaurant, and asked whether this reaction had affected his opinion of the herbicide. Thomas refused to comment.