New Brunswick — The New Brunswick Science Guild (NBSG) issued a statement this morning claiming that they have irrefutably proven once and for all that global warming is nothing more than a made-up phenomenon to scare voters. One member went so far as to call it “false news” — the lowest insult one can stoop to give.
Dr. Phillipe Decoste, chair of the NBSG, points to the province’s weather the last 2 weeks as overwhelming evidence to support their claim. “They said the world is getting warmer, but it’s obvious to everyone here that it’s getting colder. We’ve had 4 storms now, my car won’t start and the trees are still growing. That’s all the scientific evidence we need to support our groundbreaking revelation.”
Repeated studies and papers done by scientists all over the world, as well as a famous, but inconvenient documentary by Al Gore, show that global warming is indeed a very real possibility, if not very real. The NBSG, priding itself on its “East Coast stubbornness,” refuses to back down as long as the storms keep coming. “We won’t be around long enough for this to affect us anyway, so why does anyone care?” spat Decoste.
Others are worried that this embarrassing display of mule-headedness is giving New Brunswick a bad name. “Nobody will take us seriously. Well, they already don’t, but now nobody will take us seriously-er-ded,” stumbled Brent Lauder of Sunny Corner, N.B.
Lauder’s grade-school child Sonny said that even in Grade 5, they seem to know more about global warming and environmental change than the so-called NBSG scientists. “Today we learned about pollution and that our gasses are breaking the ozone layer,” dutifully recited Sonny. “Also that you have to listen to other people’s ideas or else you won’t get far in life.”
Brent Lauder said he hopes his son paves the way for a new, green future for New Brunswick. “He’s the next Al Gore. A New Brunswick Al Gore. Heck, he’ll be David Coon.”