New Brunswick — With another treacherous winter storm ripping through the Picture Province this week, it’s becoming abundantly clear that even the Good Lord himself is disappointed that former premier Brian Gallant was unable to win a confidence vote thus ending his time as the provincial boss.
“It’s extra strange because God typically sides with the Conservatives,” explained a perplexed Barry Holtby. “But He really must have liked Gallant because there’s no denying that these recent storms are an act of God expressing his frustration over the political landscape.”
Holtby, who is majoring in religious studies at St. Thomas University in Fredericton, went on to tell The Manatee that he’s fearful of what might happen if Gallant decides to step down from the Liberal leadership position.
“I mean, here we are a good 40 days or so before winter even officially starts. What’s it going to be like if God finds out there’s no hope of Gallant returning as premier? I’m picturing ‘end times’ type stuff.”
Premier Higgs, however, suggested Holtby’s claim has no weight and that he’s sure God was pulling for him.
“Look at me, I had no business beating Gallant in this election,” Higgs said while motioning toward his old-man face. “Gallant beats me by a mile in the looks department, he’s smarter than me, he’s a better speaker, he sure seems to care about people way more than I do and I wouldn’t even discredit the PANB like he did. I think it’s clear that God had a huge part to play in my victory here — it’s the only logical explanation.”
Religious officials in the province chose not to provide any opinions on whether God is in fact a fan of Brian Gallant.
Gallant was also contacted for comment, but he said he was too busy getting his resumé up to date, and then asked if he could use our reporter as a reference.