New Brunswick — The forecast is calling for sunshine for the next several days, and New Brunswick teachers are interpreting this as pathetic fallacy as it coincides with the start of March Break. “What’s pathetic fallacy you might ask?” said Grade 10 teacher Suzanna Marchand. “It’s when human emotion is attributed to aspects of nature, like happy summer sunshine. And you’d know that if you paid attention in class, you little shits!”
Having just marked the 100th day of the 2014-2015 school year, New Brunswick teachers have grown weary of the students, to the point of passive-aggressiveness, strained politeness and barely contained hostility. Some teachers say they literally can’t stand it anymore. “If I don’t get away from these little bastards for a week, I swear I’m going to lose it, and it won’t be pretty,” said Grade 4 teacher Jessica Bowers, sipping from a metal flask in her parked car in the teachers’ lot yesterday afternoon. “And if it’s not the kids, it’s the parents. Good lord, the parents … ” she trailed off, a single tear rolling down her cheek.
March Break in New Brunswick is from March 2-6. Many events are planned in the community to draw in those students who are off school. Some of these include special activities at the libraries, “toonie movies” at Cineplex, March Break Fun at the New Brunswick Museum, and even laser tag at the Lancaster Mall in west Saint John. But, Grade 8 teacher Ashley Miller couldn’t care less what “those monsters” do. “I’ll be getting turnt and burnt on a beach in Punta Cana,” she said. “If I don’t blow off some steam right away, I swear to God I’m going to drop-kick one of those little sons of bitches.”
March Break also provides respite for the province’s university professors. “Most of our students are a delight,” said undergraduate professor Hans Koenig. “But then you get those students who hand in everything late, miss class, are constantly hungover, spend the whole class sexting their significant other or are asleep. At first it doesn’t bother you, but after 6 months … some days you want to slap that cellphone out of their hands!”
March Break is not only a break from students, but it also provides teachers with a break from the stress of their administrator bosses. “I have to put up with the some of the most ridiculous policies that I’ve seen in my entire career,” exclaimed exasperated Grade 9 teacher Jim Watson. “Some genius in the Department of Education has a brainstorm and I suddenly need to change everything about how I teach? I need a break from those pinheads so badly. Seriously, I can’t take it anymore.”
Apparently, some school administrators feel the same way about some of the teachers. “Oh my God, if I have to hear one more person complain about having to do their job, I’m going to spit,” snarled middle school vice-principal Heather Peterson. “They think they have it rough having to put up with the kids and parents. Well, we have to put up with the kids, parents and them too! Lord, give me strength.”
Peterson continued, “I think we could all use a week away from each other to chill out. We still have to put up with each other for 4 more months, so let’s just take a breather for a week, then grit our teeth and get through this.”