NB Tims to raise coffee prices to pay for new apostrophe in 'Hortons'

New Brunswick — New Brunswickers are going to have to dig a little deeper in their pockets to pay for their morning double-double. Tim Hortons has finally decided to add proper punctuation to all of their customer-facing marketing materials. After nearly 50 years of reading hate-mail from Grade 6 English teachers, the Canadian coffee giant has decided to add an apostrophe between the “n” and the “s” to all Tim Hortons branding materials.

Reports indicate this will eventually become a nationwide change, but it appears New Brunswick will be first province to implement the impending price adjustments. To cover re-branding costs for signs, cups, napkins, uniforms, etc., coffee prices are expected to climb as much as 80 percent beginning in March, or as most New Brunswickers call it, “Roll-up-the-Rim time.”

With the rapid decline of gas prices, Tim Hortons coffee is expected to become Canada’s most expensive liquid commodity by fall 2015. “I’m not payin’ no 2 dollars and some odd cents for no comma or whatever it’s called from school,” explained Alan Savoie of Nigadoo as he frantically tried to do the rough math on a used Tim Hortons napkin early Friday.

This isn’t the first time Tim Hortons has considered making changes to their branding. In 1972, following Canada’s much publicized victory over Russia in the Summit Series, the budding coffee giant was well on its way to changing its name to “Timmy Ho’s Sugar Shack,” but quickly abandoned the idea due to the name too closely resembling that of a Las Vegas brothel.

Tim Hortons’ CEO was unavailable to talk about these upcoming changes to The Manatee’s news staff.

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