NBers confused by vegan billboards, start eating their pets

Moncton — Billboards erected in prominent locations in Moncton and Saint John are confusing New Brunswickers, who — let’s face it — aren’t great at reading between the lines or understanding subtle or even overt messages.

“It shows a dog, and a pig, and says ‘Why love one, but eat the other?’ so I guess I should be eating my pets now?” said Monctonian Neil LeBlanc. “I don’t want to, but it’d be speciesist not to…that’s how I interpret it, at least.”

LeBlanc raises chickens in his back yard for eggs, but he said thanks to the billboard put up by the Vegan Education Group, he now knows he should be killing his chickens, his 10-year-old tomcat Rex AND his faithful spaniel Scruffy, and using them all for food.

“I see their point, I really do,” he said of the vegan group. “It’s not very consistent to be buying a steak at Sobeys, eating only the eggs from my chickens, and then having cute little Rex and Scruffy for companionship. They’re all meat in the Lord’s eyes.”

Many New Brunswickers had trouble comprehending political signs and slogans in the recent election, so experts say it’s no wonder the perplexing vegan billboards are just too much.

“During the election there were signs everywhere reading simply ‘Vote for so-and-so’ and I have neighbours who were somehow thrown off by those,” said Sarah Pemberton, a political scientist at St. Thomas University in Fredericton. “They’d be planning to vote PC, but then see a Liberal sign and be completely swayed in the other direction.

“Even my STU students here who are supposed to ‘think for themselves’ just voted for whichever candidate came to campus and bought them a coffee. And now they’re spouting nonsense about ‘speciesism,’ which isn’t even a real thing, might I add, and telling me I’m a hypocrite for not eating my pets.

“I think they’re missing the point of the billboards, but you know how it is with students — you can’t tell them anything.”

The billboards could very well be the start of a slippery slope leading to cannibalism.

“If it’s considered ‘speciesist’ not to eat your dog but to eat bacon, then logically isn’t it even more speciesist not to fry up your roommate or barbecue your boyfriend?” asked Olivia Goodine, looking at her partner of six years and salivating just a bit. “I had eggs this morning and milk in my coffee, but Jeff here gets to go free? Where’s the justice in that?

“We’re all animals, right?”