New Brunswick — The Picture Province’s politicians in power think they finally figured out how to solve every one of its problems — by asking people from outside of New Brunswick to voluntarily pay New Brunswick taxes.
“The idea came to me when I was speaking at a press conference and said ‘New Brunswick just needs more people’ and an old guy in the crowd yelled ‘To do what?'” explained Finance Minister Roger Melanson. “I took a moment to really think about what exactly we need people for. We don’t have jobs for them, unless they are fine with being a janitor at Base Gagetown. That’s when I realized that we don’t necessarily need people per se. What we need are taxpayers — whether they’re in the province or not.”
Melanson created a taskforce whose sole duty is to call anyone and everyone they can think of “from away” and beg them to pay New Brunswick taxes this year and in future years. The response has been overwhelmingly negative.
“I was very surprised that almost nobody wants to pay taxes to a province that they aren’t living in. I thought that our key marketing factor — pity — would win them over. Especially any New Brunswickers who now live out west and might feel nostalgia. Sadly, no dice,” said Melanson.
One well-wisher did decide to pay New Brunswick taxes rather than Québec taxes for her 2015 return, and said that the process was surprisingly easy, with little resistance from the Canada Revenue Agency.
“I think everyone in Canada knows by now just how bad things are in New Brunswick. After a few hours on the phone with a CRA agent, they made the changes for me in my online My Service Canada account,” said Mireille Thibodeau of Gatineau, QC.
“I feel good about it. I’m trying to get others to do the same, but everyone keeps saying that New Brunswick should just give up and amalgamate with the other eastern provinces,” elaborated Thibideau. “I think they called it ‘Atlantica’ or something.”
“I don’t care what anyone says. We have hope, and that hope is pity!” said Melanson, growing more irate at reporters’ questions.
“We are not merging, we are not lying anymore and saying we have meaningful jobs. We are getting down on our hands and knees and begging for the kindness of strangers. I believe that’s something that people will find it in their hearts to support.”