Moncton — Nearly every unemployed New Brunswicker woke up this morning to a delightful surprise: an email in their inbox from CareerBeacon announcing a new job. The position, apparently based in Moncton, is open to anyone with a high school diploma and a go-getter attitude.
The site’s synopsis of the job is vague, but just descriptive enough to incite desperate hope in the New Brunswick population. The successful candidate will be expected to work closely with co-workers and other employees, and submit a weekly report to the regional manager, ensuring a high standard of service to the company’s customers, or perhaps clients (The Manatee was unable to pinpoint just what the company actually does).
“I didn’t even know CareerBeacon still existed,” said way-too-excited Monctonian Jeff Saunders, 29. “Then this morning I checked the hotmail account I set up back in middle school — I really only look at it once a month in case my mom sends something… she doesn’t understand that I’ve had a Gmail account for a decade now — and saw an email from CareerBeacon announcing the job. At first I thought it was spam, but it turns out it’s a real, honest-to-god job, in New Brunswick!”
The coveted job, a 6-month contract position with no benefits in “digital marketing,” requires someone with experience in Microsoft Office, a passion for general administration and “other tasks as needed.” Some travel may be required, with gas costs at the employee’s expense. The applicant must be available for evening, weekend and overnight shifts with no notice.
“Regardless, it’s still the best thing to happen to the job situation in this province since Service Canada’s online EI form,” said Saunders.
The company that will be hiring one lucky New Brunswicker is looking for someone who is “a student of all things digital media,” including social media platforms such as Twitter and Instagram. “That’s me to a T!” exclaimed Saunders while sitting on his futon crouched over his laptop, meticulously creeping his ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Saunders is so confident he’ll land the job that he has already updated his skills on LinkedIn to include “marketing” and “administration.”
The ad does not disclose the position’s salary, but assures applicants it’s “competitive with other comparable positions.” As of press time, the ad had been viewed over 750,000 times.