New Brunswick — Following in the footsteps of Nova Scotia, which just removed the limit on how much alcohol a person can bring into the province for personal consumption, New Brunswick has made an announcement to appease its citizens as well.
“Beginning this week, there will no longer be a limit on how much non-alcoholic beer you can import into New Brunswick!” announced a proud Premier Blaine Higgs outside the legislature, while raising a green bottle of non-alcoholic Beck’s “beer” he purchased from Sobeys an hour before.
“Now we can be just like Nova Scotia and bring tons of cool drinks from other provinces to our parties and impress all our friends!” added the premier, barely choking down a sip of the swill that somehow can be called beer.
“Was there ever a limit on that crap?” asked a stunned reporter in the press conference crowd. “I see massive cases of it at the grocery stores and I’ve never once seen it at a party or barbecue or anything.”
The premier, ever quick with a retort, assured the gathered public that there was once indeed a limit, and it’s now gone, and it was also removed from historical record so that New Brunswickers won’t have to think back to those dark times.
“You’d have to be an idiot to question this,” added Higgs. “More beer is nothing but good news for our province! And I’ll drink to that!”
Somehow, some New Brunswickers are actually excited about the announcement.
“This is great, I can’t get enough of the President’s Choice de-alcoholized red brew,” gushed local lunatic Troy Dimsdale.
“It takes about 50 of them for me to get a buzz, so now I can buy them in bulk in Quebec and save a few cents. I’ll probably take my friends’ orders and do some big beer runs. My buddy James loves Budweiser Prohibition Brew. He looks so cool drinking it.”
Other weirdos echoed this sentiment.
“I can’t handle actual alcohol because I don’t know my body’s limits, so now I can drink two whole 24-packs of non-alcoholic Grolsh and not have a hangover!” said an excited Hila MacNaughton of Gagetown, who plans on bringing in large quantities of dirt-cheap non-alcoholic beer from Maine.
“It will look like I’m drinking beer, so everyone will think I’m social and chill…but in reality I’m pretty much just drinking weird-tasting yellow water all night!”