New Brunswick — The province was hit hard with another winter storm Tuesday night causing school closures all across New Brunswick, power outages for tens of thousands of homes, road closures and terrible driving conditions. But, with Environment Canada calling for blizzard-like conditions for most of the day on Wednesday and another pending storm on the weekend, the Gallant government is turning this potential clean-up disaster into an opportunity.
“My mother always told me, ‘Brian, you’re really awesome and good-looking,'” recalled the Liberal leader, seemingly showing off a new haircut. “And then she always said that when life gives you lemons, you take those lemons and make other people suck them.”
Gallant held a press conference via FaceTime from his home in the early hours of Wednesday to make the surprise announcement that the government would be immediately halting all snow-removal services, and will instead begin advertising New Brunswick as the world’s largest ski resort. This province-resort will be mainly un-staffed — a sort of “DIY ski experience,” according to Gallant.
“This is a win-win,” he explained. “We don’t have to pay for plows, and we get to have a giant ski resort. Actually, come to think of it, it’s a win-win-win-win-win,” the excited premier continued. “We have those things I already said, and you guys get more exercise so you be healthy like me, it lowers our healthcare costs, and then I can cut a bunch more nursing jobs — this is working out even better than I’d dreamed!”
The Manatee asked Gallant if he actually did dream the idea, or if he at least put any actual thought into this idiotic plan.
“Oh, you guys at The Manatee,” he responded smugly, “always trying to pry open my brain to see how the brilliance happens. Maybe I dreamed a little bit, and then thought out the rest? It was a good combination of both, just like all great ideas.”
Our reporter went on to ask whether this new province-as-ski-resort would create any jobs.
“No, because that would take one of the ‘wins’ away,” Gallant said while doing sit-ups in his living room. “And I already wrote that whole ‘win-win-win-win-win’ thing down. It becomes provincial law just as soon as I write it down.”
The Manatee tried to hit the streets to gauge reactions from the citizens, but were unable to get out of our driveways as we don’t own any skis.